A Love Poem

I was feeling emotional the other day, and wrote this poem for one of my kids.  I hope it speaks for other parents, as well.  We dream so big for our children, and can only hope and pray that they dream big, as well, and can push past barriers that get in their way...

Her eyes are filled with passion and drive,

Her heart bursts at the seam with her goals for the future.

A tough ride, she’s been dragged through the mud and flipped and turned and she’s struggled, yet she has survived.

I as her mom, have watched the unfolding of the beautiful creature that I call my daughter. 

A fiery sense of right and wrong – who knew it would serve her so well in the path she is on?

Harsh words coat the fragile voice that cries out to be heard,

to be seen,

to be valued.

Her confidence builds and I know she will thrive.

She has her eyes focused on the future in sight.

Dyslexia, dysfunction, distortion of the truth… can’t turn off her light.

It shines bright -

The God-given light shines from beauty inside.

I know she will make it,

Not just far, but places my mind can’t imagine.

Her God-given passion for justice and understanding

Will lead her and those around her to pursue goals both purposeful and true.

She has a firm foundation of family and faith,

a generous heart and compassion that make her great.

This is not what she is becoming – she already is.

Her greatness is inside her and she will not be limited by age.

Instead, she will grab the world with both hands and make it a better place.

Facing Fear

I pass a billboard on my long drive to and from classes out in Romeoville.  It says, "Do something every day that scares you."  Feels very counter-intuitive for a sensitive soul that prefers to avoid conflict.  However, I am finding a great sense of accomplishment from facing my fears.

This blog represents one of my fears.  I love to write.  I over-think... How much is too much when you share personal stories?  What topics are people interested in?  Do I sound like an idiot?  AM I an idiot?  :)  You get the idea.

I figure I'd start with a list of things that scare me.  It's kind of a laundry list of things I'd like to improve or goals I have for myself.  I'm 99% sure that everything on this list makes me nervous in some way.

1.  Losing weight.  Since Hurricane Alondra, I've been stress eating.  I have gained a good 30 pounds since back when I was so happy that Ruben's grandmother thought I was getting sick.  I'd love to make her worry that I'm malnourished and very sick.  (insert silly smile here)

2.  Getting rid of all this crap around me.  I have so many ideas... have Salvation Army come and pick stuff up, sell valuable things on ebay, spend time going through every last unneeded item and thoughtfully send things off to people who need it.  I even play with the idea of throwing unneeded stuff away, since it would be so quick and easy.  But the thrifty, sensitive creature inside me won't let me do that.  I'm thinking of a couple items we could realistically make money from selling on ebay, and the rest should be off to Salvation Army.  I said I'd do this over the break.  It's the break.

3.  Helping my kids dream big.  Okay, so... I think I've got a handle on this one.  Rubencito is in the school play, signed up for band, and essentially loving life on Minecraft.  The girls are knee-deep in high school applications, shadow days, and open houses.  I am trusting my gut with them and where they may and may not go, and I am dreaming big dreams for them.

4.  Being an extraordinary teacher.  I like to think I'm a good teacher, and a caring teacher.  But you know what I've realized?  I'm boring!  I am going to challenge myself to be a little more organized, do a little more planning, and incorporate a lot more games and hands on activities in the next trimester.  I am getting bored MYSELF during the day.  So this is just as much a survival strategy as it is a professional goal.

5.  Shut up Negative Nellie.  Seriously.  Why is it so easy to hyper-focus on the negative?  Fortunately, I have a co-worker that has helped me learn to make myself stop talking about things that upset me.  Not completely stop, but recognize when it's obsessive and then tell myself to shut up and move on.  Progress on this is ongoing.

6.  Be more organized financially.  We have done some cool things like cut our cable and get rid of one car.  The car wasn't really a choice, because it needed repairs beyond it's worth, but we are figuring it out.  I (insert silly, sheepish smile) made my own laundry detergent.  It both scares and fascinates me when I read about people that sold everything and travel the world.  I may want to do that some day.

7.  That naturally connects to simplicity.  I want to simplify.  What do I really care about?  My family.  My friends.  Doing something I love.  God.  I'd like to minimize the stuff that gets in the way of having the time and energy to focus on these things.

8.  This blog.  I haven't written consistently.  Too much over-thinking.  Too much daily stress.  Oh well!  Can't decide on a topic?  Well, ramblings of a mother of four, with one runaway kid currently out of the house, with a husband committed to social justice and changing a violent neighborhood, kids in urban school striving for an excellent education, family trying to simplify their home environment and make healthier choices for their budget, their home, and their bodies.... I guess that's all tied up into one crazy topic, right?

Next steps...

I shall now officially (LOL, maybe) commit to the following:
- I will ship off these DirecTV boxes so those chumps can give me the $90 back that they charged for me not sending them fast enough.
- I will be brave and attempt to sell my previous phone on eBay.
- I will blog again before the next week is over.

If anyone actually reads this and knows of a good blog platform that actually is user-friendly for people leaving comments, please let me know.  I would love to actually connect with others on some of this stuff.  I always google weird stuff related to these things.  I'd much rather read what my friends have to say.  :)

August: Do Something That Scares You

If you read my last entry, I was trying to figure out a theme for this month, to start a year-long quest for some kind of joy or sanity.  This thinking was based on a combination of reading Gretchen Rubin's book The Happiness Project and the understanding that happiness depends on circumstances and joy does not.

I fully expected to write again before this month began.  I was considering something about taking risks, and little did I know this month I'd jump right into doing all kinds of things that scare me.  I mentioned before my teenage daughter A, who shows classic signs of reactive attachment disorder.  Our first "risk" this month involved trying to get her to stay home.  Long story short, the last week has involved hospitals, sleep deprivation, social workers, detectives, police officers, her biological parents, and lies aplenty.  If you would've told me last week that these things would be happening, I don't know what I would have done.  Cried, probably.  Yet here I am, feeling stronger than I did before.

When we take risks, and really stick to what we know is true and right, we end up feeling better about ourselves.  We took a huge risk trying to get A from a potentially dangerous place she's been staying.  Little did we know, she lied to all the people surrounding her, so when we showed up to "rescue" her, throngs of idiots ran to her rescue, screaming at us about all the abuse we have done to her.  Much drama later, and not much sleep, and more people than we ever could've imagined are seeing the light.  They see the truth.  They see the complexity of lies, and every single social worker and detective I talk to says something like, "You guys have been through a lot."  Yes, we have, and we survived.

My mother in law talked about being survivors as we were sitting in the hospital.  Being a cancer survivor, I tend to feel pretty excited about surviving.  There's something empowering about going through a challenge and making it out, into a future you couldn't even predict.  When A made her first horrible accusation against us, I felt like for once in my life I couldn't see any good solution coming out of it.  No matter which way things went, it seemed like they would be really bad, and we would remain broken.

At this point, in the words of P!nk, we're not broken, just bent.

The thing is, I kind of like the new "bent" me.  I think I am stronger.  I am more interesting.  I'm not as rigid, and I can be more sensitive to other people that go through struggles and pain.  And we all go through struggles and pain.  I hope this makes me a better person.

I am trying to take this "do something" or "take risks" philosophy into my everyday life.  Ruben is venturing into a new way to make some extra money.  I have some ideas.  I'm exploring websites that inspire me, and surrounding me with people that are smart, positive, and wise.  I am learning that I can try something and fail and still survive.  I can do my very best, and circumstances may still be unexpectedly devastating.  Yet, as quickly as things turn bad, they can turn good.  And that good can be even better than the good that existed before.

I haven't figured out why people can't comment.  If you can't sign into google to comment here, I'd love to get your facebook feedback.

Not a Happiness Project

A few years ago I read Gretchen Rubin's book "The Happiness Project."  In it, she takes a year and breaks it down month by month, focusing on some aspect of her life to work on to increase her happiness.  I've been tempted to do my own version of a happiness project, but in the last couple years my life has been turned upside down, mostly due to a teenager with undiagnosed reactive attachment disorder (RAD).  Apparently, facilities and professionals either believe only Russian orphans, who are "incapable of having ANY feelings" have attachment disorders, or due to insurance classifications just don't seem to use the term.  So we cluster together mood disorders and PTSD and trauma and attachment and depression and personality disorders and no one seems to call it for exactly what it is: a condition where due to past trauma, you hurt the people closest to you in unthinkable ways, over and over.  In parenting a "RADdish",  happiness has felt a bit out of my league, but the other day I had a small revelation.

I was looking through my Bible during church last week, and I saw a place where I wrote into my Bible something about the difference between happiness and joy.  Happiness, I wrote, is a word rooted by the stem for "happens", and is based on what is happening.  It hit me that I couldn't bring myself to start a happiness project, because I was overwhelmed by what was HAPPENING to me.  Lately, my focus has shifted away from what has happened to me.  Instead, I am focusing on doing things that will help me be okay no matter what is happening around me or even TO me.  This is easier said than done, but it has mostly focused on self care.  Sometimes we have to say no.  Sometimes we have to take a nap.  Sometimes we have to say, "I refuse to allow this any more" and we make choices we never thought we would make.

In the next few days, I will be exploring something that may be a Joy Project type of thing.  I realize I need some kind of structure and accountability. Otherwise, potentially healthy changes like drinking adequate water and getting more sleep could get mushed into "after I binge on ice cream, I should drink some water and sleep for 10 hours." I need to develop some structure, and a blog will let me see my own progress and potentially share it with others.  I see other people in daily life and online who seem to be going through the same struggle.  We want certain things, but our lives drive us other directions.

When I think of what has brought me pure joy recently, I think of Rubencito giggling, Genesis coming out of her shell at her birthday party, and Anna confiding in me with some of her deep, teenage thoughts.  Ruben preached at our campground today, and a young man came up to him and said, "I felt like you were talking directly to me."  My heart swelled with joy.  These are the things that make me happy... and they are based on things that happened.  I will continue to appreciate them.  But when the kids cry, or the husband is discouraged... should I just fall apart?  I hope not.

This blog will be where I process my own thoughts as I contemplate life in a family of six.  For myself, I love blogs that reassure me that mine is not the only family with issues, that I am not the only mother that feels crazy 85% of the time, and that there are ways we can simplify and slow down and appreciate the things that matter most.  Feel free to comment and engage with me on this journey.  My plan is to brainstorm a bit and show up with a plan to begin some kind of theme for August.  Please feel free to comment and share in this journey with me.  Have you read the Happiness Project?  Tried a similar project yourself?  Share!  Thanks.  :)

Talkin' to the Brownies

Day Six of the Seven Project.... Wow.  One one hand I feel proud.  I am proud because I've made it.  Not just made it through Seven, but I'm surviving one of the most terrible situations I've ever endured, and the proverbial crap hit the fan the day before starting this project.  Not sure why I decided to stay with it - probably because my mom and a few others were going to, and I wanted to do the whole 7 months and do it well.  I wasn't 100% sure I would stick with the project until I was staring down the last of my 20 oz. Coke Zero thinking I should finish it before it was too late, the night before the dawn of Seven.  Then I realized it was 12:15.  Since it was past midnight, I just couldn't do it.  I felt like I'd be breaking Seven before even starting.  So I went to bed.

It's been six days since I've indulged in my biggest weaknesses - Coke Zero and peanut M&Ms. Because of the situation we're going through, I pretty much wake up and go to bed with a stomach ache, which helps me not want to eat anything.  However, as I adjust and rely on my faith that God will bring about something good even when we can't see it, I'm getting an appetite back.  I'm also getting pretty sick of my seven - eggs, chicken, spinach, sweet potatoes, apples, avocado, and whole grain bread.

Last night, we went to the store to replenish our avocado supply. I really was more aware of all the choices, both healthy and unhealthy, that we are bombarded with in the store.  It was cool to realize that the things that we catching my attention were things like steak and strawberries.  I'd like to think that's what I'd go for first if I weren't following the restrictions of Seven.  But realistically, I know I'd probably go grab a giant bag of peanut M&Ms and a Coke Zero instead.  And that is part of why I want to stick with this.  If I can eat healthy food, with serious restrictions for 30 days, then hopefully my return to acting like a normal member of society will involve healthier food than I was previously choosing.  When a friend was stress eating chocolate and I wasn't because of Seven, I commented on the timing of it all.  "Things happen for a reason," was her response.  So true.  I'd be eating my face off right now.  Seven is something I can control, when some other things are not in my hands.  (But they're in God's hands, so I will try to let go!)  What I really want in my hands right now is not the spinach and chicken I happen to be eating....

I had to walk past brownies twice before eating my lunch.  Once to get my new BFF, water.  The second time, to warm up this dear, sweet, icky piece of chicken that I'm munching on as I type.  I found myself talking to the brownies.  I don't even remember what I said to them, but I had to tell them a word or two.  I found myself becoming a little crazy around the brownies, urging the guy whose birthday it is  to please eat them all so they could GO AWAY.

This reminds me of our trip to the store last night.  I found myself gazing at the bacon like it was my first love.  "Bacon, I love you!"  I actually said it out loud.  Ugh.  Wow.  So I'm sitting here with my tall glass of water, on my lunch break at school, munching on spinach leaves like they're chips, and chicken like it's...well....chicken.  I ate about a half a piece.

That's another weird thing about Seven.  I don't really feel like eating.  Sometimes I wait until my stomach growls or I feel like I'm gonna throw up, and then I make myself eat.  Again, that may be part of my life situation, or it may be a side effect of Seven.  My guess is that it's a little of both.

I wish I was vain enough to do this solely for weight loss reasons.  I know I'm dropping pounds, and that things that were getting tight are gonna fit me again.  I guess that will be good, since next month I pick seven articles of clothing to rotate throughout the month.  For now, that's also a somewhat motivating factor for me.

The best motivation, I think, is the facebook group Seven that we created.  My mom and a few friends from her church are also embarking on this journey.  A couple days before we started, I was cracking up at all the silliness we were writing in anticipation of this thing.  My 9 year old son was even reading over my shoulder, cracking up.  If you are interested, let me know and I can add you to the Seven group.

For now, I need to end this.  I'm writing on a lunch break, and though I still have half a piece of chicken sitting here, I don't think I even feel like eating it.  Goldfish crackers.... I feel like eating those.  And the Star Jar....I want chocolate!  (We have this blessed giant glass jar called the Star Jar at work, and it's filled to the rim with candy and chocolate.  It used to be my teaching assistant.  Now I try not to look at it.)

Oh, speaking of chocolate.  I will admit that probably the weirdest thing I've done during Seven was  related to chocolate.  Rubencito had eaten a Tootsie Roll, and his breath smelled so good.  I actually smelled his breath and just took it all in....twice!

So...I'll try to blog again when I find myself doing other things that may amuse you, my friends.  Now please, go eat some chocolate for me!

Seven

I am not crazy about change.  One thing I loved about working with kids with autism was their need for sameness.  I like routines and comfort and familiarity.  Yet, I get bored with sameness.  I'm not good at setting up routines.  I'm fascinated with minimalism, yet am overly sentimental about parting with things, even with clutter.  So how am I not going crazy?  Am I crazy?  Maybe.  But I've decided to jump on this blogging train more regularly and offer anyone who is amused by a look into my life the chance to travel with me at least along the next seven months, as I embark on a month-at-a-time journey towards figuring out what's most important by strategically and systematically weeding out excess in certain areas of my life. 

This journey is not my own invention.  I am actually basing it on Jen Hatmaker's book, Seven: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess.  I heard about her book on the moneysavingmom.com blog (which I love and recommend).  Jen and her husband took some people into their home after a disaster.  One little kid looked around their home and made a comment like, "These white people are rich!"  At first, Jen was surprised at the comment.  She didn't feel rich.  But she increasingly noticed all that she had, and all that she took for granted and even squandered away.

If you know me, I've been on a serious mission to find sanity and wholeness for myself and my family after a series of trials and tragedies.  I read the Happiness Project right before our family's sky started falling, and never really had the passion to create my own project, or even copy hers.  I loved the book, but pursuing "happiness" just felt like a not-good-enough cause for what felt like a deeper need for wholeness.  "Seven" seems to hit the spot.  It offers meaningful simplicity, contemplation, and change in a way that I am sure will bring its own "happiness" with guidelines already mostly spelled out for me.

Did I mention I don't like change?  And there are many things I DO like.  Many of them involve food and drink.  I love Coke Zero, chocolate, coffee with lots of cream and sugar, cheesey casseroles, chocolate, and more Coke Zero.  I love Pepsi Throwback, and Mountain Dew Throwback, and oh - did I mention CHOCOLATE?  Oh yeah, I did....

I like to think that I'm not a drama queen.  But this first month has me scared.  I am going to only have 7 foods for the month of June.  And I am going to only drink water.  I told myself a few weeks ago that I would wean myself from caffeine gradually.  I am three days from Seven starting, and I have enjoyed a big ole morning coffee as usual, and a couple cups of pop.  I might die, people.  Maybe I AM a drama queen.

Ah, but there's strength in numbers, right?  My mom is on board with this project.  She's actually the one who encouraged me to do it.  I was really only fascinated with the first two months (I kind of like the idea of month 2 - wearing only 7 articles of clothing), but I couldn't resist her enthusiasm.  That's pretty cool.  How many moms would hear about a book like that and be like, "Hey, let's do it!"  I don't know many, but my mom is just that cool.  (Except she microwaves her ice cream, but that's another story...)

My mom also wrangled a couple of friends from her church to do this with her.  And I think Ruben is also on board, at least for the food month.  Food month is three days away.  I am scared!  I am following the book's list, partly because I have perfectionist tendencies, and partly because I'm too lazy to try to think of or research seven foods that are nutritionally balanced enough to live off of for one month.  If I'm going to do this, I'd like to at least enter month 2 at a nice, happy weight that will allow me to enjoy feeling good in whatever 7 articles of clothing that will be my only clothing choices for all of month 2.  For now, the focus is month 1.  These foods are it, starting Friday: eggs, chicken, whole grain bread, sweet potatoes, apples, spinach, avocado.  And water.  (insert crying here)

Also along this journey, I am reading the book Quitter, by Jon Acuff.  It provides motivation for some soul-searching, sort of figuring out how to figure out which things you truly love to do and how to achieve your wildest dreams without being defeated before even trying by things like fear and perfectionism. 

Ah... since I doubt I'll be stress eating by binging on sweet potatoes and apples, it's quite likely that I'll be writing more to get these feelings out.  No zoning out with Coke Zero and peanut M&Ms for me.  I hope I'll experience some cool revelations, clarity, etc., but at the very least I'm pretty sure I can amuse you with my crying. 

Three more days....

Potential

I am full of potential.
I am sweet. Hardworking. Determined.
Beautiful.

I am curious. 
I am unsure.  Outspoken.  Not broken.
Hilarious.

I am innocent.
I am new to this earth.  Beginning my journey.
Precious.

I go to school every day.
Working.  Trying.  Faking.
Embarrassed.

You judge me.
Poverty.  Illiteracy.  Vocabulary.
Predetermined.

I have resilience you'll never know.
Drive.  Determination.  Dedication.
Commitment.

I will make it.
I will work and strive.  Learn. Work hard.
Be successful.

I'll find you some day and you'll gasp in dismay.
I'll say, "Nice to meet you" and greet you,
When I'm your doctor.