If you read my last entry, I was trying to figure out a theme for this month, to start a year-long quest for some kind of joy or sanity. This thinking was based on a combination of reading Gretchen Rubin's book The Happiness Project and the understanding that happiness depends on circumstances and joy does not.
I fully expected to write again before this month began. I was considering something about taking risks, and little did I know this month I'd jump right into doing all kinds of things that scare me. I mentioned before my teenage daughter A, who shows classic signs of reactive attachment disorder. Our first "risk" this month involved trying to get her to stay home. Long story short, the last week has involved hospitals, sleep deprivation, social workers, detectives, police officers, her biological parents, and lies aplenty. If you would've told me last week that these things would be happening, I don't know what I would have done. Cried, probably. Yet here I am, feeling stronger than I did before.
When we take risks, and really stick to what we know is true and right, we end up feeling better about ourselves. We took a huge risk trying to get A from a potentially dangerous place she's been staying. Little did we know, she lied to all the people surrounding her, so when we showed up to "rescue" her, throngs of idiots ran to her rescue, screaming at us about all the abuse we have done to her. Much drama later, and not much sleep, and more people than we ever could've imagined are seeing the light. They see the truth. They see the complexity of lies, and every single social worker and detective I talk to says something like, "You guys have been through a lot." Yes, we have, and we survived.
My mother in law talked about being survivors as we were sitting in the hospital. Being a cancer survivor, I tend to feel pretty excited about surviving. There's something empowering about going through a challenge and making it out, into a future you couldn't even predict. When A made her first horrible accusation against us, I felt like for once in my life I couldn't see any good solution coming out of it. No matter which way things went, it seemed like they would be really bad, and we would remain broken.
At this point, in the words of P!nk, we're not broken, just bent.
The thing is, I kind of like the new "bent" me. I think I am stronger. I am more interesting. I'm not as rigid, and I can be more sensitive to other people that go through struggles and pain. And we all go through struggles and pain. I hope this makes me a better person.
I am trying to take this "do something" or "take risks" philosophy into my everyday life. Ruben is venturing into a new way to make some extra money. I have some ideas. I'm exploring websites that inspire me, and surrounding me with people that are smart, positive, and wise. I am learning that I can try something and fail and still survive. I can do my very best, and circumstances may still be unexpectedly devastating. Yet, as quickly as things turn bad, they can turn good. And that good can be even better than the good that existed before.
I haven't figured out why people can't comment. If you can't sign into google to comment here, I'd love to get your facebook feedback.
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